As black smoke rose from the Sistine Chapel on the first night of the 2025 conclave, many were reminded that while the process of electing a Pope is cloaked in secrecy and reverence, history tells a much messier – and sometimes hilarious – story.
Welcome to the other side of the conclave: part divine, part drama, and a whole lot of “Did that really happen?”
Here’s a Uzalendo-style dive into some of the strangest and most entertaining moments from conclaves past:
236 AD – DOVE-APPROVED LEADERSHIP
Before campaign posters and Vatican politics, there was a dove. Literally. A priest named Fabian was in the crowd when a dove landed on his head. The cardinals saw it, paused, and basically said, “Looks like the Holy Spirit’s made His choice.” Fabian was elected pope on the spot — no speeches, no rivals, just good bird PR.
1241 – LOCKED IN, HEATED UP, AND DROPPING DEAD
In medieval Rome, 19 cardinals were locked inside the Septizodium palace to choose a pope. Problem: no fresh air, no sanitation, no chill. The result? One cardinal died, several collapsed, and the locals got so angry they threatened to dig up the previous pope’s body to move things along. The exhausted survivors picked a sickly old man who died just 17 days later. Plot twist: he never even made it to his papal inauguration.
1294 – THE HERMIT WHO QUIT
After two years of internal bickering, the cardinals elected a hermit named Pietro. He was 80, wore rags, and lived in a cave. They thought he’d bring holiness. He brought resignation letters. Five months in, he noped out of the Vatican and went back to his mountain hut. Mic drop.
1378 – ROME TO CARDINALS: “CHOOSE A ROMAN OR DIE”
The Pope had just returned from 70 years in France. Then he died. Rome feared the next pope would move the seat back to Avignon, so an angry mob stormed the conclave shouting, “Elect a Roman – or we’ll kill you all!” The cardinals panicked and picked a Neapolitan. Close enough? Not quite. That pope, Urban VI, was so bad the cardinals held another conclave and picked a rival pope. Welcome to The Great Schism: one Vatican, two Popes, four decades of spiritual confusion.
1492 – BRIBES IN THE SISTINE CHAPEL
Rodrigo Borgia didn’t believe in luck – he believed in gold. The wealthy cardinal bribed his way through the first conclave held in the Sistine Chapel and walked away as Pope Alexander VI. Yes, the man had mistresses, children, and scandals — but hey, he got the job done. Politics, Vatican-style.
1605 – HOLY SLAPS AND LACE-FIGHTS
Forget peaceful prayer — the 1605 conclave turned into a full-on clerical cage match. Cardinals, dressed in robes and lace, got into a fistfight over who should be pope. Eyewitnesses say lace was torn, pride was bruised, and heaven likely cringed.
1655 – WHEN THE “HOLY SPIRIT” WENT TOO FAR
Stuck in a deadlocked conclave, a group of young cardinals decided to prank the older ones. They dressed one of their own as the Holy Ghost and sent him creeping through the halls at night. One elderly cardinal got such a fright he collapsed on the cold marble floor and later died from pneumonia. Divine inspiration or divine idiocy? You decide.
1958 – FALSE ALARM: HABEMUS OOPS
The world gasped as white smoke rose — we had a pope! News flashed, crowds cheered… but alas, it was a chimney malfunction. The smoke was supposed to be black. The Vatican had to issue an embarrassing retraction: “Just kidding, no pope yet.”
2005 – WHEN THE SMOKE COULDN’T MAKE UP ITS MIND
In an era of smartphones, the Vatican was still relying on smoke signals. The 2005 conclave gave us grayish smoke that left millions confused. Is it black? White? Taupe? Eventually, bells confirmed it: Joseph Ratzinger had been elected Pope Benedict XVI. Moral of the story? Maybe it’s time for LED lights.
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