FOREVER SCARRED

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The only thing living in me is dead man’s bones. I say this not to put some fancy in my writing but because I was killed by my family and now all that I have is a walking body with a black heart creeped mind. You see I wasn’t always like this. I dint hate myself as I do now and yes there is a time where suicide was not the only solution.

I remember of a time when sunrise and sunset had meaning, I remember of the chirping birds outside my window, I remember how I loved life and loved to dressing up to kill a matching red ribbon to represent how love flowed from the top, fitting red dress to expose the upcoming hour glass figure and pretty red doll shoes to finish the look, but now…now all I wear is black a direct representation of how dark and hate filled I have become.

Mom didn’t take long before replacing him

You see darkness crept in after my dad died. The first man who believed in me and always thought I was beautiful. Mom didn’t take long before replacing him ,I mean if it was me I wouldn’t marry another man 6 years after his death but I loved her and dint want to see her lonely having her pillow as her only comfort so I let in the monster….sorry I meant step-dad.

Middle aged man tall, dark and handsome going by the name Peter. He seemed to have his life together and definitely had no problem being a step dad. It was really hard for me to accept the joy that filled mom as he walked in the house but time was kind to him and I soon accepted him and remember of a time when I actually thanked the creator for filling the “dadspot” again.

I was truly a lucky girl I frequently thought to myself, I mean after all the nasty stories I heard of abusive step dads and I now got to narrate about my loving step dad. Then one Sunday evening as it was our routine to stay up late watching movies we heard a knock at the door and another tall, dark and handsome man walked in. Were this men falling from heaven? I thought to myself but my thoughts were quickly interrupted by Peter as he introduced his brother as John and said he would stay with us for a while as he searched for a job.

Tall, dark John was apparently searching for a ‘job’

I was so excited at how the family was quickly growing and all we could do with mom was to make peter and john feel at home. then one day mom and peter went for a trip leaving me alone with john and as it was his routine to send me off to bed with a sweet little peck on my head he did that but this time the peck lasted for longer, the peck turned to kisses and at first I took it lightly but it soon became weird and I was forced to push him off the bed.

“Do not fight me or I will hurt you,” He said as he jumped right back holding me forcefully against my bed, tearing my clothes and having his way inside my pants. I tried to fight him off but his body was much stronger, I tried to scream but I had no strength in me. What had I done to deserve such hostility from a man I had welcomed into my life? This went on for the two weeks my parents were away and every night it happened I lost a part of me I would never get back.

Betrayed, tortured by My own Family

When Peter came back I gained the courage to tell him but all he did was accuse me of trying to break the family he had built as he slapped me for accusing his brother and suddenly life just changed for me as the men I had learnt to trust and call family betrayed me.

And just when I thought nothing worse could happen one night after John had already entered the room Peter walked in and for a moment there I felt glad because I thought I was safe and he would now believe me. “Haiya bro fanya chap chap ata mimi niskie vle unaskia, (Okay brother, be quick. I want to feel what you feel too )” he said as he quietly locked the door. Confusion blinded me and at that point all i wanted to do is die. Wasn’t it enough that my uncle had caused me so much pain.

Now my dad too not only believed me but wanted to rape me too. I tried screaming for help but they all started laughing in a sarcastic way. “Why are you making noise? No one can save you little brat, your mother is drugged and she is in deep sleep. You thought I was good to you because I loved you? Your so foolish I just wanted to have a piece of You.. After all I don’t like old women,” Peter said as he pushed his brother aside and jumped on the bed.

He tore off the remaining part of my nightdress, holding me against the bed as he tied my hands and legs. I tried screaming, kicking, and even biting but he overpowered me in every way. “I have never known you have so much fun when am not around John, these young bodies are better than the old woman I call my wife, for sure this has now become my daily plot. Let’s go and let her sleep,” He said as he got off of me and walked away. The events of that night haunted me the whole night . I could not sleep all I thought of was to end my life.

Breaking Point, “..Yes, I will cut myself,”

Should I use poison, or drug myself? No! Maybe I should just cut myself and die. Yes, I will cut myself,” I quietly thought as I walked out of my room to get a razor or knife.“Wewe unafanya nini ama unataka round two? (What do you want? Or are you eager for another round)”. A voice that sounded like Peter shouted at me and I quickly rushed back to my bed locking my door and saying a silent prayer that God would keep me safe for that one night.

The following morning my body was in so much pain and I could hardly walk well. I decided to tell my mom about what had been happening without her knowledge as soon as Peter left the house but her response to me broke me more than the torment I experienced at night. “Why are you becoming a liar? How can your dad rape you? Why are you not happy that our family is finally complete? You know what am going to call a pastor for you to deliver you from that lying spirit.” Mom said as she walked away and at that very moment nothing appealed to me more than ending my life.

I went back to my room with a penknife from the kitchen, locked my door and cutting my wrist hoping to join my real father in heaven. Now here I am, at this hospital bed afraid to open my eyes because I don’t want to comeback to my torment, all I hear is my mom crying apologizing for not being there and believing me…Hahhh… But does she think her tears will return everything I have lost. She was not there when I reached out why she cries now anyway, it’s of no use. I can also hear the doctor giving her words of hope of how some sessions with a shrink will renew me… Hamah well I know too well that a shrink doesn’t have a prescription to the hate I feel towards my family… So doctor thank you for saving me from death, tell mom I love her but there is no space for me in this life anymore… I am going to……..

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